If I Could Be Any ...(?)...Who Would I Be?

"If you could be anyone in the world, who would you be?"

This question is way too broad, and depending on your mindset at the time the question is asked, the answers can range all over the map. That being said, I figured I'd break this question down into categories, and give my specific answers to these sub-categories of this intriguing question. This is not some whimsical post either...I am putting real thought and effort into these answers. I really wracked my brain on this one!


1) ATHLETE (current)
Some of you may remember I posted last year that I would be Lebron James. Well, that was before "The Decision" (or, "The Fuc* Up"). Well, you can scratch that one.

I had trouble with this question, because part of me wants to say someone like Chargers long snapper David Binn, who spent 15+ years for the Bolts playing about 5-10 downs/game, taking minimal contact, and making a huge paycheck. In his spare time Binn lives in San Diego, is an avid golfer and, at one time, was in a serious relationship with Pamela Anderson. But I felt that the criteria for my answer had to be based more on athletic success (although the chosen individual also needs to have their life together). So who do I pick? Dwight Howard of the Orlando Magic.

I'm not even an NBA fan, so you know there must be some objectivity here. I chose Dwight for a plethora of reasons, including: he is the most ridiculous physical specimen of a human being I've ever seen, he is freak of an athlete, he is one of the premiere players in the league, and most importantly, there is nobody in the NBA who has more fun than this guy. Dude is a 6'11", barrel-chested tank who could be the scariest person on the planet if he wanted to, but instead is incapable of going an entire game without smiling. If I had the athletic prowess to compete at their level, I'd want to be just like him.

2) ACTOR (current)
Johnny Depp. No explanation necessary. He's an amazing actor, he can pull off any look, the ladies love him, and he wears sweet hats. And he can make a crazy pirate be cool. And if anyone here needs further proof, name one actor who could make THIS SCENE any better!

Seriously Marc, that's all the explanation I get? Yep, that's it. (Honorable Mention goes to Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson).

3) U.S. PRESIDENT
Second place in this category most assuredly goes to eighth president of the Unites States, Martin Van Buren. Why? Cuz this guy had crazy-cool hair:

But if I could be any President, I would be Honest Abe. I know I know, it sounds like a cliche, popular pick because of the Emancipation Proclamation and his place in history. But I choose him for two reasons: his beard, and "God." Let me explain. Ever since I was a kid, I've never been very religious, but whenever someone referenced God and what he represents, I had a vivid image in my mind. And this is what his face looked like:

Yep, little Marc pictured Abraham Lincoln, our sixteenth President, as God. I don't know why, I don't know how. But for some reason, this is what I think (yes, still) what God would look like. I'm not opening this up for spiritual debate - it's just what my awesome brain pictures.

As for the beard - I've wanted to be able to grow one like that since the first time I nicked my face shaving high up on my cheekbone because I was convinced "I grew hair that high". That beard is epic.

4) CARTOON CHARACTER (past or present)
As I weighed the pro's and con's of certain characters, I came to the realization that many cartoon characters, although likable, all have serious physical or developmental problems. Porky Pig stutters, Daffy Duck spit/lisps, Tweety has a horrible hairlip, Foghorn Leghorn stutters ("I say, I say, I say"), Wile E. Coyote keeps dying, Road Runner doesn't talk, Elmer Fudd sounds like a 3-year old, Yosemite Sam is gonna lose his voice by age 23, and Bugs Bunny is a higher-pitched Fran Drescher. And yes, I do realize I just recapped only the Looney Tunes.

So I realized I had to look beyond just the character's looks and talents. I had to look for the X-Factor. And then it all became clear. There was only one logical answer - ROGER RABBIT.

"WHAT?! You chose him? What is wrong with you?"

Ah, relax my friends. My logic is sound. You are now asking yourself what x-factor Roger Rabbit could possibly have to put him so definitively above the rest. You are wracking your brain. You are frustrated. And then...BOOM...it hits you. Of course! ROGER RABBIT! And why the sudden epiphany? My friends, meet "The X-Factor"...

Any questions?

5) ANIMAL
Almost as easy as the Johnny Depp answer. Now, my original reaction would be to say "monkey", but given the detail of this blog post, that wouldn't be nearly specific enough. So what would it be? Chimpanzee, orangutan, spider monkey, bonobo, gorilla? Now that is a hard question. After typing three different types before coming up with my final answer, I have officially settled on...a baby orangutan.

Obviously you noticed I specified the age on this one. If you have objections, I don't care. It's my game, I can do what I want. A trip to the San Diego Zoo is not complete without a visit to the orangutan outdoor enclosure. Regardless of the time of day or weather, these little fellas are always entertaining the crowd. Be it smashing their faces up against the glass, chasing each other, annoying their mom's or scratching their behinds and "other parts" for all the world to see, these guys are classic.

It has also been pointed out that I tend to relate to these guys, as our ears are of equal size. Whatever, we're all descendants of the same poop-throwing monkeys. I just happen to have been one of the apples that didn't fall from the monkey tree.

6) CEREAL BOX CHARACTER
This is a tough category, because your answer may be interpreted as giving commentary about the cereal product, as well as the actual character. Let the record show I am trying to make my decision based off of the character only. After taking a "Which Cereal Box Character Are You?" quiz, I was told that I was the Lucky Charms leprechaun. I respectfully disagree...but don't say I didn't do my research.

If I could be any cereal box character, I would be Snap, from Rice Krispies "Snap, Crackle, Pop".

Why Snap? Well for those who know me closely (cough...Julie...cough), I already go by the nickname "Snaps", so it's not a big stretch. But more importantly, Snap is the ringleader of this tremendous trio. Snap wears the baker's hat, which is obviously much more important to the cereal than Pop's military hat, or Crackle's stocking cap. These guys were used in conservation messages during WWII, and were superheroes in the mid 90's! Don't believe me, check out their Wikipedia page! And I mean, if Snap, Crackle, Pop isn't the best cereal tagline ever, I can only think of one better - the German version - "Knisper! Knasper! Knusper!"


7) BEER
First off, I will slightly tweak this question to say "If I was a beer, what would I be?" Like the monkey earlier, I could not just select a type of beer such as a lager, stout, porter, hefeweizen, or pale ales. I had to go for a specific brew, down to the brewery and style. This one is slightly more difficult to select with total disregard for my personal beer palate, so I will certainly be using my taste-buds as part of the extremely scientific litmus test for judging this category.

To fully grasp the factors in this decision, we must first look at my personality. I am a laid back individual, but also very energetic. I appreciate intellectual conversations, but also want to fart and play video games in my man-cave. I get excited, but rarely emotional. So in beer-speak, I have some complexity to me, some dueling characteristics...but ones that strike up a palatable balance (and yes, I definitely just indirectly bragged about myself in beer analogies). So what am I? I am Stone Brewery's Levitation Ale.

It should be stated here that this is truly one of my favorite beers out there. But this decision was made off of my earlier personality self-evaluation. Stone describes this beer as "This deep amber ale has rich malt flavors, a big hoppy character, citrus overtones (courtesy of the hops and our special brewers yeast) and modest alcohol." So by nature, ambers are easier drinking beers, but still have big hoppy flavor. This specific amber has a greater punch than most ambers, and opens your eyes on your first sip. I am a simple man, but I do have my intricacies and quirks, and if nothing else, I'm a nice tall drink of water.

(*NOTE: I read this again and realized in retrospect that this all made way more sense in my head. I don't refute my explanation by any mean, but I understand those confused minds.)

8) FEMALE TENNIS PLAYER
First off, thanks to Budak for this category suggestion. He felt the need to spice up the post. Other suggestions were "a Russian" or "18th Century Person"...only Budak.

This category required the most amount of research, as I only know so much about Serena Williams and Kim Clijsters (and apparently Martina Navratilova retired...). So what criteria could I possibly use on this one? EASY! Best name, duh! Now, I know odds expect me to pick someone's name ending in "-ova", but I passed on the likes of Kuznetsova, Pavlyuchenkova, and Kleybanaova because there was one name that I could not look past.

Ladies and gentlemen, meet...Chanelle Scheepers.


Yep, this 26 year-old South African is the 80th ranked player in the world, with a career earning of $545,265 on the WTA, and recently advanced to the third round of the Australian Open. But c'mon, let's be real here. CHANELLE SCHEEPERS?! The next women's tournament that makes it's way to San Diego, I'm gonna start an obsessed men's-only fan club for her, complete with shirts that read "Scheepers Creepers."